I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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