We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
