remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
