after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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