Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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