I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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