Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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