i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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