I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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