Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
