I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
