Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
