She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
