i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
