Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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