I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
whose ass print is on the piano?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize