whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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