i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
