All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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