you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
And then he peed in my hair
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