i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
tell me about the fingering
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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