I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
