a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
