I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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