Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
send nudes
from the living room?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
