just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
