My liver just broke up with me...
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
