You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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