Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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