They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
