i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
