Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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