A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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