I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
