theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
