i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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