Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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