angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
