Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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