a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
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