you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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