Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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