i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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