Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
