my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
