I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
my poor anus
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
