I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
