she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
