im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
