i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize