I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
