everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
