Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I am spending my child support on dildos
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
