i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
