it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
