I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
