His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
