Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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