I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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